Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
