I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
