my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
