We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
