Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm bleeding and have questions
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
