Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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