dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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