Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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