You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
