I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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