Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
