I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
