Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
