I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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