he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
