Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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