Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
