I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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