I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
