I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
