you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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