Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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