Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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