I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
