he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She's the barista slut.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
