Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My ass is underappreciated
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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