I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
