dude i'm inner monologue high
I skipped work to stalk him.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I am midnight drunk by noon
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
