This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize