grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
my liver is dry heaving
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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