The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
