hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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