i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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