He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
