right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
