I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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