how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
