You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
