EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
