please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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