in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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