I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
