1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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