Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
