How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
