You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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