i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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