are you still at the devil's house?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
This is classic penis vs brain.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
