He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
