i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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