and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
