Moan for me like Helen Keller
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize