i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
