did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
