going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
