He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Hippo gnu deer
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
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