Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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