dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
