Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
