Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
