He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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