Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
me + whiskey = a bad person
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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