508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
