i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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