I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
