Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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